Mother Grief

Each new baby has brought on a fresh wave of sadness for me at the loss of my own mom (who I think would have been a "mommy" kind of mom) while I was yet an infant. My natural mother passed away after a car accident when I was barely two months old.  Although my dad remarried and I love the mom I have now, there is still a sadness that haunts my mothering.  Writing this and feeling this doesn't mean I love the mom I have any less or that I am not incredibly grateful for her. Believe me, I am.  She is who she is but there is something that she is not and can never be.

There is a grieving (albeit somewhat hormone induced) that I feel for what my first mom might have been in my life and in the lives of my little ones. Those of us without our moms often feel a terrible feeling of aloneness when we welcome new life because its a time where we really need and desire our mommy to walk beside us, encourage us, and help care for us in our time of transition. Today, I am having one of those moments of grief.  And, I am yielding to it.

I'm sad.  Sad that my plan for the birth of this babe didn't work out as I had planned.  Sad that I'll never have an ideal I picture in my head. Sad that I have to rely on others to fill this void.

And yet, this grief leads way to prayer and a further relying on the Lord to supply all my needs and to fulfill His promise to be a father to the fatherless and a mother to the motherless. And prayer gives way to gratefulness for the way He has and will continue to meet my needs ... He has given me a loving, kind, and supportive husband who lets me cry and grieve and helps with babies new and old, dear friends who give above and beyond, kind aunts who understand and help, and even moms of friends of ours who treat us as their own.

Even in sadness, I see redemption.  I remind myself that my life has worked out exactly according to His plan.  And His providence.  And, I do my best to place my trust in His perfect provision.


Whom have I but You? 


(Note: I started this about a month ago and just hit "publish" tonight.  I'm doing great today but still feel like its a worthwhile and worthy feeling to remember.  :-)